It's soon gonna be our 2 years anniversary, while I should be jumping, cheering with joy, I'm feeling kinda lost. He's the man I have always wanted to marry and I did. From the first time we met, he made me feel like I am the one for him (I'm not sure if that sounds right but it was exactly how I felt, we're right together.). I always believed that I am gonna make his life so much happier because I love him and I appreciate him. But you know what, at this point I feel like I'm bringing him down. Here's what happened...
About a year ago at this time, we both got sick of the lifestyle and society we lived in so we decided to move to New Zealand (hubby is a PR here) to start our own life away from everything, everyone. And we started planning, I gave my 2 months notice to a sorta promising company I was working for as their PR Manager and we started packing up (not much to prepare for as we didn't have a lot then) for this big move. Without thinking too much, I was very positive about this move and thought that everything will work out just fine for us. As every good story goes, it has to get ugly before it gets pretty (FYI, things are still in the ugly stage now, patient.). Things didn't turn out the way we expected, we didn't have our own place, own transport even... To make things worse, I was having problems with my permit, residency application and of course the new environment with a hint of racism in the air. Hubby got a job 3 weeks later which is good and bad, meaning I'm left in a small room alone every day until he comes home. I was totally freaking out and as any first timer away from home, I ran back home. I flew back to Malaysia for a break from the culture shock and also the home-sick. A month later, I returned to NZ feeling like I'm ready as I really missed him so much being away was killing me every second every day.
I applied for a work permit which was granted on the spot, I was delighted. Confident and optimistically I applied for all the possible jobs (alright, even the impossible too), as you probably have already guessed, I was rejected... Over and over again which led me to depression. Undoubtedly, the ever so loving couple like us, fought over the smallest thing to the extend that I would hurt myself just to prove my point or to express my anger. It got to a ridiculous stage and it lasted for about 4-5 months until I snapped and "gave up". I went back to Malaysia, alone. Don't ask me what was I thinking, I don't know. I wanted a break, at the same time hoping for miracle... I don't know but it doesn't matter now. Well, planning to stay there for good, hubby convinced me to come back for another try and with all the emotions and torturing moments without him around, I agreed and returned again. It's tiring to even say (or type) this, imagine how we both felt about it. What a dead or dying land, I was thinking in my head. A land ruled by the sheep, the economy led by a bunch of conservative, laid back birdies in suits. Let me skip all the disappointing replies I got from some professionals (this is just a term/noun, not a title of respect I give them) and the unhelpful government servants, as I do not wanna remember these demotivating experiences.
So, months have past, after the long stressing period over my work permit, I finally got it couple of days ago. You would think, I should be thankful and relieved now. No, I'm not. Throughout these many months, I was constantly stressed over money, being alone most of the time, my career... I'm exhausted, mentally. Hubby's career is slowly showing signs of progression but, I don't see how mine would too. I'm completely broke now, hubby's pay with the increased GST and worsening economy at this moment, I do not wanna go through all these again. I do not have the strength and financial power to do that. This is the end of my investment period and I made a loss, financially. I'm done. But as every story has its moral values to learn from, so does this one. During the past months of hardship, it actually brought us closer to each other, closer to God and it also taught me how to be patient, loving and responsible. Things I never had to learn before, I now embrace them as valuable assets in my life. Of course this is a summary of the many events happened to Ashley and Jane in the past few important months but this is always a note to remind me of the love and courage we share for each other. The happy moments of Yum Char at Chinatown, enjoyable movie sessions we had a Downtown Cinema and at home, delicious Thai meals at Chada Thai Restaurant, luscious ice-cream on Danish cones at the Esplanade Park and many, many other small events we shared here. They're memorable and will always be a part in our story.
P.S.: Not a great story to start a blog huh? Never mind... Some stories have dramatic beginnings, especially the AWESOME ones! (we're sure one of them, sorry if you missed the story of how we started, I will so love to share one day if I find the time, it's a loooonnnnnggg story with many beautiful moments happened over a short period of time. I would say, a combo of fairytale and Greek mythology ;p LOL)
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